I have vehemently opposed wedding contributions for as long as I can remember. But, I used to wonder, why can’t the funding-raising couples cut the coat according to their size? Why trouble others to give you money which shall be used in a day? Why? Why not just go to the Attorney general and spend less than Ksh.5000 to wed the love of your life?
I never hid my opposition to wedding contributions and always made my opinions clear to anyone who ever cared to listen. Nevertheless, I always contributed generously whenever my friends requested me to support their weddings. That is how life is.
When I look back and try to trace the origin of my opposition, I have made a few observations.
During this period when I opposed the wedding contributions:
- I was mostly single and never had a long-term girlfriend.
- I was a miser and mostly lived in a single house despite earning over KSh.100 000 net income per month.
- I grew up in poverty and viewed any kind of spending as ostentatious.
- I rarely bought clothes and only had one pair of shoes, which I wore until it was completely worn off.
Years later, I met the lover of my life, and we had a colourful wedding. I even fundraised for our wedding. What changed?
My wife, Sarah, grew up in a well-to-do family. She was raised with a prosperous mindset. Therefore, she saw nothing wrong with having a decent wedding. Even while dating, I still opposed the idea of fundraising for a wedding. Later, conversations with a bit elderly and wiser friends changed my mindset.
What I learned:
- A wedding ceremony is a communal-societal affair, and fundraising is a way of actually involving society in your plans.
- A wedding is for the community. The people eat the food, so they may as well contribute to the same.
- The décor is made for the eyes of the community, and there’s nothing wrong with having the community contribute to it.
After some soul-searching, in February 2019, I agreed to the creation of a WhatsApp group to help with fundraising for our wedding. Though I did it reluctantly, I thank my Creator that I did. Creating the group helped me learn about true friendships and helped reveal who my true friends were. Inviting a friend to join the group may not be a big deal; honestly, they don’t have to help you in any way. But sharing the good news of your wedding with those considered your friends is naturally expected to elicit some feeling of goodwill and, at the least, some congratulatory messages. There are those who I thought were my best friends for years, but when I revealed the good news of my incoming wedding, they never bothered to say anything, not the least a message of goodwill. I wondered what made them hate that I was going to wed! Since then, they have never said anything about the wedding or attended it. They only reach out to me when looking for work or project opportunities. I have nothing against this kind of fair-weather friend. At the same time, people I considered acquaintances came through and helped in kind and cash. They have become my family and best friends.
If you genuinely want to know your true friends, be in need and ask for help.
There is also the fanatical religious type who quotes some authors to support their opposition to wedding fundraising. They claim that one should have the most straightforward possible wedding. I once saw one of these self-righteous types quote the following paragraph by a particular religious author:
“When people lose signs of the vital principles of God’s Kingdom, ceremonies multiply and become extravagant. When they despise the simplicity of godliness, their pride and love of display demand magnificent church buildings, spending adornings, and impressive ceremonies” RR 198.2
On closer observation, I noted this same person quoting this passage dresses ostentatiously (expensive suits, ties and watches) and always dreams of owning some fancy, luxurious car. He currently drives a dilapidated vehicle for lack of money. These are those who quote others as long as it suits their taste. This same ‘friend’ sowed wild oats and is currently on a “come we stay” marriage with his ‘wife’ and a son.
People will always act and think according to their deeper motivations and derivations. The vainest, arrogant, and sinful will always quote and post verses and passages to impress their audience. It’s their version of washing away their guilt.
It is also worth noting that the author who wrote the above passage led a rich life and didn’t necessarily experience poverty.
One of the few examples of those who lived according to their convictions includes St Francis of Assisi and the Gautama Buddha.
Now back to the question of holding wedding ceremonies:
If we go back to the scripture, we note that the first miracle (John 2:1-11) by Jesus Christ was changing water into wine at a wedding! God is not against people enjoying themselves, especially if it concerns sacred ceremonies such as weddings! So why did Jesus support the couple by supplying them with wine? Was this not an endorsement of the wedding ceremony celebration? Why do the self-righteous conveniently ignore these facts?
Let’s quote the Bible:
‘..The director is impressed by the fine quality of the wine but is unaware that it has been miraculously produced. Calling the bridegroom, he says: “Everyone else puts out the fine wine first, and when people are intoxicated, the inferior. You have saved the fine wine until now.”—John 2:10.’
And to even make the miracle sweeter, this is a wine that intoxicates. The self-righteous cannot withstand this and will instead look for ways to explain this verse away. They will go ahead and claim this was not a fermented wine and that it was fresh or something else.
Is God against beauty and celebrations? Is he against magnificent buildings? Churches and temples? Have these self-righteous fellows not read how Solomon’s Temple was built? How God gave specific instructions to have the most skilled designers and engineers develop sanctuaries and temples? If the Creator was against magnificent and beautiful structures, why did he personally instruct such to be made?
A simple look into the workmanship of King Solomon’s Temple reveals that it was built with gold and ivory, beautiful carvings of angels, palm trees, and other beautiful designs and specifications. The Bible reveals further that the Temple was finished in all its details to its specification. It was built with a desire for permanence and everlasting use.
In all stages of construction, Solomon paid close attention to the details. He spent so much attention on it that it took him seven years to build the Temple. He was so particular about the materials and how they were used, including seeking advice from foreign experts and contractors. Solomon took his time to implement God’s instructions which gave him the ability to build the Temple with excellence.
Solomon employed professionals from all corners of his kingdom to achieve this architectural feat. Three chapters (1 Kings 5-7) describe the work of building the Temple.
Again quoting the scripture:
‘Solomon also had seventy thousand labourers and eighty thousand stonecutters in the hill country, besides Solomon’s three thousand three hundred supervisors who were over the work, having charge of the people who did the work. At the king’s command, they quarried out great, costly stones in order to lay the foundation of the house with dressed stones. (1 Kings 5:15–17).’
Whether or not it was Solomon’s intention, employing so many people from all walks of life ensured that the vast majority of citizens held a personal investment in the political, religious, social, and economic well-being of the kingdom. The same principle applies when involving people in communal or societal events such as weddings.
Streets of Gold and Heavenly Mansions:
The same self-righteous fellows look forward to walking on the streets of gold and owning heavenly mansions. At the same time, they pretentiously disdain and scorn those who walk on streets of gold here on earth. They secretly envy those who own earthly mansions while publicly proclaiming their desire to walk on the heavenly streets of gold. What contradictions!
Again quoting the scripture:
‘And the twelve gates were twelve pearls, each of the gates made of a single pearl, and the street of the city was pure gold, transparent as glass.’ Revelation 21:21
‘In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.’ John 14:2
When faced with such straightforward verses, the same self-righteous and self-appointed preachers will try to wrestle with the apparent meaning of these verses and add their own interpretations.
Why my budding preaching career ended in 2015:
At one point in my life, I wanted to be a preacher of the word. I admired young preachers and longed for a day when I would step on the pulpit and inspire the congregations. Unfortunately, two events cut short this dream.
First Event:
We once had a bible study led by some of these outgoing preachers. When it came to the questions time, I asked some simple biblical questions and was expecting some answers there and then. The speakers, thinking that I was challenging their authority and seemingly embarrassing them, told me that they would spare some time to address my concerns. They told me to compile my questions and concerns and share them with them. A week later, I did so and tried to submit the work to them. Their response shocked me to the core. They refused to acknowledge and receive the work and dismissed it without even giving it a cursory look. If this is how the people I looked up to behaved, then there was no hope for me to become a preacher. I instead decided to dedicate my time to private bible research and study.
Second Event:
In 2014, I was as broke as hell. I had a charismatic preacher friend who happened to be my workmate. He then lived in Kileleshwa, Nairobi, while I ‘pirated’ at a university hostel. A student friend hosted me as I couldn’t afford rent. I survived on one meal a day. I used to buy tasteless ugali and boiled beans stew for KSh.20 at the student cafeteria. This used to be my supper, my only meal. I was an intern, and I was paid nothing. This friend, who used to spend his weekends preaching the ‘word’ knew my situation and never at any point did he offer to help or share. I had no problem with this, as I never expected his help. What disturbed me occurred one day when he pretended to take me for lunch, and I ended up eating air and saliva. We went to a nearby supermarket, and he bought some yoghurt and cake and proceeded to munch them while I salivated as I watched. I couldn’t imagine that a ‘friend’ would do such an act while they professed to be devout Christians. If this is how a preacher friend treated me, how would they treat strangers in need?
If this is how the self-confessed religious and spiritual fellows behaved, then there was no point in me ever associating with this preaching business.
These are my personal observations and have influenced how I conduct myself as a human and Christian.
There’s a lot of hypocrisy and self-righteousness in religious circles. If the true character of many is revealed, it would even shame the devil.
The most expressive, showy religious type also tends to be the evilest and disingenuous. That you feel you should tell people how to live or conduct their lives is a symptom of deep psychological wounds that are subconsciously eating you.
